The Place Where You Come From: Reaching Your Goals
The place where we come from is important (Vaughn). More often than not, we are doing what we are doing, saying what we are saying, wanting what we want, or being what we are being, because we think it will or does make us happy (Hicks). We think having it or being it or doing it will make us happy.
Like me pursuing my Ph.D., I thought it would make me happy. Until, it didn’t. I thought it would get me what I wanted, which was to be happily teaching away first history at the high school level, then writing at the undergraduate and Master’s level, and communication, then understanding how we learn in order to teach adult learners, then philosophy, and, and, and it never stopped, because I never stopped. As I achieved each goal, I would move the goal line for my happiness (Achor). All in all, it was not really a strong place to be coming from, because I never let it make me happy. I was working to fill a need, a hole, a lack. I never let it be a strong place to come from, because I didn’t let it be just what it was. I wanted it to make me happy, to fill me up. Because, I thought I needed to be. Because I believed myself to be incomplete. Because I believed you needed to feel complete in order to be happy—once I am complete; I will be happy. I was essentializing happiness as an end rather than as a means and as a thing to have or collect as well, when in reality my happiness and the concept of happiness is much more deep and complex to be a thing to collect or the end.
Another example… Often my students are pursuing their education from a monetary place in order to be happy—if I get this Masters, then I will get that position that makes X amount, and I will be happy. Unfortunately, these are my students who, if this is not a strong enough place or belief that produces strong enough willpower for them to come from, they do not finish their degrees or they take much, much longer and pay a bigger and bigger price for their degree. In fact, so much so, that in the end it doesn’t make them happy or even make them money.
You never hear a Master’s student say I want this degree, because I am happy. They want the degree to make them happy—I will be happy when I have this degree, and for some, this happiness comes from the money that the degree may bring with it. Waiting on the degree or the money from the degree to be happy is coming from a place of lack and want. What if we came from a place that was already full, already complete? Would this change our conversations and/or our pursuits? I am happy, so I want this degree. The degree or the money that comes from the degree may be an end, but happiness is the means—when the place we are coming from is not an end, than it can truly contribute to happiness or even monetary success.
Okay, I am not saying do not pursue a Master’s degree, or whatever it is you want for happiness, or money, or because you don’t feel complete, if that is a strong enough place, it can work just fine. I got my two Master’s degrees and am all but dissertation that way, but I did not get my Ph.D—it was no longer a strong enough place for me to work from or push myself from. In other words, I had a willpower failure. What I experienced was what happens when bad stress versus good stress kicks in. We tend to lump all stress together and label it bad.
Good Stress also called Eustress helps us focus, motivates, is short-term, is within our coping abilities, feels fresh, exciting, and improves performance. We believe we can do it. We know it isn’t beyond our abilities, and we can see an end to it. Bad Stress or distress, however, causes anxiety, perceived as having no end, feels like it is outside of our ability to cope, decreases performance, and can often lead to mental and physical problems. Research suggests that distress more often leads to willpower failure while good stress actually leads to willpower success and increases resiliency (Adams and Leary; Schmeichel and Vohs; McGonigal). But, what else is important is our basic belief about stress, if we believe stress to be bad, and do not differentiate between the two types, then it is bad according to Kelly McGonigal.
While distress is not a strong place to be working from (though many of us make it do), Eustress or good stress can be. It can push you through those hurdles, but only if you believe the event to be short-term, within your coping abilities, and can differentiate between the two types of stress. Tony Robbins points out that when an event happens we do 3 things:
We decide what we are going to focus on.
We decide what the event means.
We decide what we are going to do about it, based on what we are focusing on and what we believe this event to mean.
For example, I decided to focus on the stress of getting my Ph.D, raising a family, and teaching as bad, as having no end, and being outside of my ability to cope and persevere. I decided this meant I was not happy, that getting my degree was not making me happy (and would not make me happy), and what I did about it was quit. Well, quitting did not make me happy either, but it was a solution at least for a while. It took me years, unfortunately, to think through my belief that all stress is bad and my belief that getting a degree would make me happy--basing my happiness on the place of a degree and the promise of more money in the future was not a strong enough in the end. And, it was the end at least for that degree. If I had been coming from happiness to begin with, which has no end, and if I had been getting my degree, because I was happy, full, and complete already, the place I was coming from would have been enough. What I am suggesting is that happiness be the means or the place where we come from in order to support our willpower while working toward any goals whatever they may be, but particularly, if your goal is to get a degree or go back to school coming from a place of happiness, fullness, and completeness already will allow you to persevere and succeed through any willpower failure. It will help you give meaning to what you are doing if your focus becomes cloudy, or if your goal line keeps moving, and help you decide what to do about it.
These days, I work to keep the place that I am coming from a happy one--I hate to say it’s work, but some days it is--when an event happens, and if I am feeling stress, I first recognize the stress I feel is a good thing, because it is asking me to clarify the event and what I want from or out of the event, then I have begun asking these questions:
What am I going to focus on here?
What does it mean to me?
Is it True (Katie)?
How do I feel about it if it is True? Happy or unHappy?
Where am I coming from with this?
And, what do I want to do about it?
Works referenced:
Adams, C. E. and Leary, M. R. (2007) Promoting self–compassionate attitudes toward eating among restrictive and guilty eaters Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 26, No. 10, , pp. 1120–1144
Abraham-Hicks, Ester. (2007). The Astonishing Power Of Emotions. NY: Hay House, Inc.
Achor, Shawn. (2011) The Happy Secret to Better Work. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work?language=en
Katie, Bryon. (2008). Who would you be without your story? NY: Hay House, Inc.
McGonigal, Kelly. (2015). The Up-Side of Stress. NY: Avery.
Robbins, Tony. (2006). Asks Why We Do What We do. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/tony_robbins_asks_why_we_do_what_we_do/transcript?language=en
Schmeichel, B. J. & Vohs, K. (2009). Self-affirmation and self-control: Affirming core values counteracts ego depletion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 96(4), 770-782.
Vaughn, Cassandra. (2015). Begin Again- 32 Ways to Release the Fear of Starting Over. Amazon Digital Services LLC.