Dealing with Setbacks
Failure. We all know it’s not about failing, but about what you do after. But what you do after can be so difficult. Understanding what type of setback you may be encountering and changing prospective might be helpful. Here are a few tips that students and teachers have given me over the years for dealing with setbacks.
1) The solution is within the problem. One of my favorite quotes is by Nobel Prize winning Physicist Niels Bohr. He said: Every great and deep difficulty bears in itself its own solution. It forces us to change our thinking in order to find it. To me this quote means many things: give it time to resolve itself, stop looking for the solution, or look somewhere you wouldn’t expect a solution, even to asking for help, but most of all, it means there is always a solution and more is going right then is going wrong. It might not come right exactly at that time, but the problem will manifest a solution—the solution is within the problem itself. Often, the solution and the problem lies in the very language we couch it in, and sometimes that language may be the very problem itself. Language creates perception. French philosophers, Jacques Lacan and Luce Irigaray believe language structures the way we think. We may need to change the language we use in order to change our perceptions and come to the solution. Bohr also said: “ No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.” Sometimes you have to step out of the structure and/or logic of the situation to change our thinking in order to find the solution.
2) Look at how far you’ve come rather than focusing on how much is left to do. A student once said to me: “people often give up too fast, because they look at how far they still have to go instead of how far they have gotten.” It stuck with me. I have always used lists to help me accomplish each days' tasks, always putting a task or two on top that I had already done to give me quick satisfaction in crossing something off right away, but along with the list, I began logging what I accomplished each day on tasks I knew would take several days, weeks, or even months to accomplish. This helped give me better prospective--and of course, writing practice and routine each day, but also increased my willpower and resilience while teaching me to celebrate what was going right and how far I had come, instead of dwelling on how much I had not gotten done. 3) Embrace uncertainty and fear—Use them. What is your uncertainty and fear telling you? Feeling unsure and lost is part of the path--Don’t avoid it. See it for what it is—look at what those feeling are showing you, tune into them. Where does the fear come from? What are you really afraid of? If your fear is limiting you in un-useful ways, ask yourself like Bryon Katie suggests: it is true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Who would you be without the thought? Take a breath, you’ll be okay, even if you don’t feel okay all the time at even at that moment.
Daniel Pink did some interesting research with JetBlue on how to get folks to pay attention to pre-flight instructions, his research suggested that fear is highly motivating, but also just as highly limits, narrows your focus, and is only sustainable for short periods of time. Fearful people did not do well on tasks that required creativity, a 360 degree focus, or a long period of time. What this means is that fear will get you started and give you a very concentrated, specific, quick focus, but is not good for tasks that require wider focus area or the generation of a new prospective like creative or conceptional tasks. First submit to your fear and use it to focus on what is important and immediate, then step back from it, accept it as part of the process to regain a wider focus, become creative, and be able to respond to the set-back. 4) 4 types of setbacks. Deepak Chopra suggests that there are four types of setbacks and that understanding them can make them meaningful and useful:
The Temporary setback is a setback that is an easy fix with small effort.
The New Direction setback points you in a new direction and gets you to examine your life and asks: What do you really want?
The Negative feeling setback asks you to look at your feelings, thoughts, or attitudes about a particular thing or situation, then it asks you to resolve those feelings, thoughts, or attitudes, because those feelings, thoughts, or attitudes are setting you back and keeping you from accomplishing your goals. Often, these are ways that we self-sabotage. When faced with these feelings, thoughts, and attitudes, Bryon Katie first suggests asking ourselves: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Who are you with the thought? Who would you be without the thought?
The New Door setback opens a door to a new opportunity that you would not have even noticed if not for the setback.
5) Practice empathy with yourself. Empathy can only be practiced from within, I was in a yoga class when I first heard that, and thought, well yes, we practice empathy from within for those without, of course. My instructor corrected me both in word and pose with her reply: the first person requiring empathy was ourselves as we fall into and out of poses. I was trying to be too perfect in my pose (and my life) and imposing that impossible perfection on everyone else around me including myself. Research has shown forgiving yourself or practicing self-compassion rather than criticizing yourself over failure increases or maintains your ultimate success (Adams and Leary, 2007; Schmeichel and Vohs, 2009) Psychologist Kelly McGonigal points out what we should already know, “feeling bad leads to giving in [or giving up] … self-compassion is a far better [more successful] strategy than beating ourselves up.” Finally, Bryon Katie proposes turning a thought around in order to help us find empathy and compassion for ourselves and peace from a set-back. Figure out what you are feeling and thinking about the set-back: Are you angry? Hurt? Frustrated? Disappointed? Then, there are a couple of ways to turn those thoughts around. One way is to take yourself out of the situation, apply what you are thinking and feeling about the situation to someone you know: What advice would I offer this person? What would you tell them? Another way to turn a thought around is to make a statement about the set-back , and ask yourself: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Who would you be without the thought? Who are you with the thought? Finally, you could think about the set-back in this way: apply the statement or thought to yourself, to another person, and then finally flip the statement or thought into its opposite. For example: Working with X is always a failure. Apply it to yourself now: Working with me is always a failure. Is it true? How do I absolutely know that it is true? Who would I be without the thought? Who am I with the thought? Then turn it around: Working with X is never a failure; working with me is never a failure. How do you react, what happens with the turn-around thought?